Saturday, 20 March 2010

2 am.

don't really know what i'm still doing up right now so i thought i'd blog because i've been meaning to every single day since my last post. i'm impressed the thought crossed my mind daily to start with.

it's been a day that's gone from crap to good which is always better than good to bad. went to town with the best friend and had a proper catch up an a lot of laughs. god i miss her when i don't see her but it's never ever awkward between us no matter how long between seeing each other. she treated me to cheesecake in nero which is probably my biggest downfall in life - if you want to make me do something a £2.40 slice of heaven will probably do the trick. sicilian lemon please, thaaanks. we sorted her lady gaga outfit out and she's now ready for her 'wear-what-you-like' day and it didn't even take us that long. we did other little bits and pieces but it's pointless to write about them. we came home, to find my parents leaving for gloucester as it's a family birthday. basically left and abandoned on my own! happy birthday becca!

our plans to have a sleep over tonight failed but we still managed to have a good time at kat and pete's. chicago is an amazing film, and the directing and sets are all gorgeous. it's really amazing, so if life fails maybe i'll try and become a director. by the end of the evening we were having a great time and it was a shame to leave.

i'm heading to katie's tomorrow to get her to help me shoot my russian doll photos for my art coursework. i've got all the make up i think and with katie's amazing skills i'm sure the photos will look beautiful. this is the first time that i've actually felt enthusiastic about art in a while so i'm hoping this is all going to help me, and make sure my art teacher doesn't try to murder me. the idea was will's in the first place and for once he made a useful suggestion!

i am ridiculously in love with that boy. he's everything i think anyone could ask for really, without being really lame and cliche. i really can't imagine how i could carry on if we broke up - we always call and text because we don't see each other that often really, and he's always the one i want to tell stuff. it's not that i couldn't live without him, i just can't imagine him not being such a major part of my life. even if we did break up, i think he'd always be a friend, because we know each other too well and i wouldn't want to completely lose him out of my life. maybe it isn't love, but i'm never going to forget this or him, because the last 4 months have completely changed me and i don't regret anything. 10 years from now, i might realise this isn't what love is, and i was just being childish and foolish but i don't care because right now this seems like the biggest thing i've ever felt in my life.

i don't think i'd ever want anyone out of my life and to completely lose contact with someone whose had an impact on me. i think it comes down to the fact that i just don't like goodbyes. i hate them so much and i guess i need to make choices about my future which will mean i have to leave some people. it's decision time now and it seems stupid to basically be deciding my future at 16; who the hell knows what they even want at this age?! i bet even at 30 i still won't know what i want.

all i know is that i don't wanna lose this feeling; crazy happiness, exhilaration at being so lucky, the freedom of being young and wreckless, this new confidence in myself - i think i'm finally comfortable with the person i am, and it's taken a long time to get to a point where i think i can say that i like myself, and not feel like i should be everything i'm not. holly powell, happy?! yes, is the answer. i am so happy right now.


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